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Pet Habits

What better wingman than man’s best friend. No, I’m not talking about Lachlan, your never-loved-never-will chum from work, or Gary, the newly divorced emotional train wreck from down the road. I’m talking about Buddy, the canine with charisma, Timmy, the turtle with timing, and Pauline, the parrot with poise.

For years, pets have provided the perfect segway to meeting single women, but have we utilised their complete pick-up potential?

Here are ten ways your pet can help you land the girl of your dreams on all fours.

1. The More You Train, The More You Gain

As an animal lover, and at the risk of receiving a lawsuit from PETA (People Against the Ethical Treatment of Animals), I’m going to offer the following disclaimer before divulging in the following fact: The sole purpose of pets is not for picking up women. Don’t even think about buying a pet if you’re not prepared to give it the TLC it needs and deserves.

This leads me to my first point; spending time will put you ahead of the line. Think about it; what sets apart the cutest of pets? It’s their ability to do super-cool tricks. No one looks twice at the stuttering parrot who can only echo every second word, but the suave, affluent creature who can ask a woman out for you? Well, that’s just too easy. And besides, you can rest assured knowing the only grass your pet plans to cut is the kind on the ground.

Young Family

2. Remember: Your Dog Won’t Be A Cat

We’ve all been there. For whatever reason, you just can’t muster the courage to say hello to a stranger? I mean, how hard can it be? “Hello. Hello.” It seems easy enough. Luckily, dogs don’t possess the same cat-like qualities that men seem to inherit over time.

It seems simple enough, but why not go for a walk to the shops? Anywhere busy enough where your dog can sniff out only the best candidates. Beaches are also great in the sense that women are stationed in one spot. So when your dog locates his/her target, the environment is set for the conversation to flow and a relationship to grow.

3. Always Have A Story

Your exotic fish collection may act as bait for your next catch, but if you don’t come prepared with interesting material, the chances of you reeling her in are slim to none.

No matter how cute your pet may be, have an exciting/funny/heart-warming story about how you got it, or something it has done in recent times. Women are empathetic creatures. The first stories you tell set the tone for the rest of the conversation.

4. Think Team Mascot

Ok, I really should not be divulging this kind of information, because it’s almost unfair, but if there was ever a sure-fire way to land a girl, it’s this.

Question: What are the two things guaranteed to make women say ‘AWW’?

Answer: Little kids and small animals.

Fellas, what you need to do is talk to your brother/neighbour/ friend/workmate – basically anyone who has a child between the ages of four and eight – and convince them to let you coach their son/daughter’s Saturday morning sports team. Once you’ve landed the gig, appoint your puppy or turtle as the team mascot. Slap a uniform on it, and bring it to every training and game.

You could be Adolf Hitler and still leave women weak at the knees.

5. When In Doubt, Stick To The Script

So I’m going to assume that everyone already knows the classic ‘take-your-dog-to-a-dog-park-to-pick-up’ cliché. The truth is, no matter how many corny John Cusack movies are made, the fact remains that women must, and always will love dogs. It’s an exact science. So don’t be discouraged by prospect of becoming a stereotype. After all, everyone knows what bars and clubs are for, and that doesn’t stop the gates turning every Saturday night.

In honour of John Cusack, and to point you boys in the right direction, I have devised a short screenplay called How To Pick Up Women In A Dog Park – It’s a working title.

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FADE IN:

A woman sees a man playing catch with his Golden Retriever in a dog park. She’s amazed by how obedient the dog is, and wishes her Labrador could be the same. The man throws a tennis ball in her direction. She can’t resist catching it, throwing it back and walking toward the man.

NAOMI: Isn’t he just the cutest thing. I could just eat him up! What’s his name?

RAY: (Smiles) Well, her name is Bella. Just got her a few weeks ago. She was the runt of the litter. No one wanted her. When I saw her, I just had to have her! Go ahead; she loves to be petted by pretty ladies.

NAOMI gets on her knees and starts rubbing the dog’s belly.

NAOMI: I’m Naomi, by the way.

RAY: Lovely to meet you, Naomi. I’m Ray. So that pretty Labrador peeing against the tree over there, that’s yours?

NAOMI: Oh, how embarrassing. Yeah, he’s mine. Such a trouble maker that one. You seem to have Bella under such good control. Any tips?
RAY: (Laughs) Well there’s not much too it, I guess. I like to spend as much time as I can with her, so we’ve had a lot of practice. Actually you might be able to help me out with something. When I first got Bella, she never went anywhere near the neighbour’s cat, but the past couple weeks, it’s like she won’t leave it alone.

NAOMI: She’s probably just a little lonely and wants some extra attention. I went through the same thing with Buddy. That’s the big difference between pets and children. Animals won’t leave you alone, but kids want you to leave them alone.

RAY: (Laughs) I think you might be on to something there. I take it you’re speaking from experience?

NAOMI: Who me? No. I am what they call the classic, ‘so single that my friends took it upon themselves to buy me a dog to help me see out my remaining years’ feel-good story.

RAY: (Laughs) Yeah, I think I wrote the book in that. You know it’s funny; she usually doesn’t take to strangers like this. I think she might be really disappointed if she didn’t get to see you again.

NAOMI: (Smiles) Oh really?

RAY: Really. So what would you say to coffee tomorrow? I mean, Bella’s not a huge drinker, but I know a café nearby that serves sensational doggy water. It’s top shelf stuff. I think Buddy would really enjoy it.

NAOMI: I bet he would. Ok, you’re on.

RAY: Great. It’s a date then. Say three o’clock at Forsyth’s? It’s just around the corner.

NAOMI: Three o’clock it is. I’ll see you there.

RAY: I hope so, Naomi.

FADE OUT

Have a relationships-based question? Want a man’s perspective?

Email john@bluelabel.sigmaweb.com.au

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