The Big Thing Preventing You From Finding Love And How to Turn It Around?

Everybody is aiming for the perfect relationship, explaining why some couples are control freaks when it comes to each other.

They believe that if they follow certain rules and principles, their relationship will be a breeze. This belief gives rise to more problems than bliss in reality.

Forcing love to happen, whether you are single or not, is just plain futile. The more you insist on it, the more elusive it becomes. This is because trying to control love obstructs the natural flow of romance in your life. Conversely, when you learn to stop trying to control one another and your relationship, you allow love energy to flow naturally. There is less pressure and expectation from one another.

Why do some people develop a controlling behaviour?

When people get into relationships, they have this notion in their head that they are somehow entitled to controlling every aspect of their partner’s life. Eventually their partners receive unsolicited opinions, get criticised and judged often, or receive unreasonable demands and expectations. This is mainly because their partners believe they have the “right” to do so, justified by their “intimate relationship”. Controlling behaviours, however, affect relationships negatively. Control breeds resentment and frustration with each other. It somehow diminishes one’s affection for the other; it stops love from flowing in both directions altogether. The relationship becomes a one-way street and it isn’t the way it should be.

How do you know if you are a love controller?

Some individuals have little or no awareness at all of their controlling behaviour. In certain examples, controlling behaviour may manifest in little things and therefore may not seem like a big deal. It’s like when one partner repeatedly expresses an opinion and insist upon it as the right one, playing the victim or martyr in little spats, endlessly cajoling the other to change certain things about them, or cry to get what one wants. These small things eventually accumulate and snowball into a manipulative behaviour, which exactly what are controlling is all about— getting the other person to do exactly what you want. If you find that you are always impatient with your partner, try to solve their problems for them, or quick to point out their flaws, then you may just be a love controller.

Also Read: How Feminism Changed Our Relationships?

How do you get rid of the behaviour?

Giving up control is harder on some people than most. However, if you wish to have a more fulfilling and happy relationship, you need to let go of your controlling behaviour. In order to do these, you must do the following.

Accept your partner wholly. True love is all about acceptance. It’s not about trying to change a person so they would fit into the mold of what you think and ideal partner should be. When you truly accept your partner, you will not feel the need to control or change them. Trying to control things over which you are powerless is just exhausting. Instead of focusing all your energy into changing your partner, focus instead on what you can control: yourself and your role in the relationship.

Level your expectations. Expectations are inevitable in any relationship, but you have to learn to align them with reality. Having high expectations will just lead to disappointment and resentment. One of the major source of expectation is the belief that being in a relationship changes things and behaviour. The truth is, not all the time and even if they do, they won’t happen overnight. For example, you can’t get disappointed when your partner is not as affectionate as you want them to when you clearly you know they are uncomfortable expressing themselves. The motivation guru Tony Robbins has a great article you can read called HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP LEARN WHAT TO EXPECT IN A RELATIONSHIP – AND WHAT TO FORGET – which will further explain the complexities in a relationship and what you need to know.

Control your fears and doubts instead. Being intimate with someone leads to common fears and doubts, such as being left alone or not being good enough. These fears become catalyst to be more controlling of your partner just so your fears won’t materialise. Understand that these fears are natural but they may not necessarily be true. Allowing your relationship to be governed by these thoughts ruins the natural flow of affection you have each other. Instead of expressing your love for one another, you begin to question everything.

Getting rid of controlling behaviours is like diffusing a time bomb— with the proper tools and awareness, you can avoid sabotaging your relationship.

robyn nind - professional matchmaker

Robyn Nind is a dating coach and matchmaker at Blue Label Life. Robyn has helped countless singles find love and a partner.

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