Sexual attraction is instinctive in its very nature.
You can’t force it but you can definitely work your way to it.
Your sexual attraction towards another person can’t be controlled, but it can most definitely be taught. You might find yourself attracted to all the wrong sorts of people all the time, so here are some things to shed some light on and hopefully bring you to break the cycle.
Understand how attraction works.
Who do you notice or pass over when you enter a room? What factors make you consider who you like immediately upon sight? When you encounter someone for the first time and you are attracted to them, something deep within you suddenly turns on like a switch. What happens is that your psyche and heart picks up cues in the physical appearance, body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. This information is processed in your subconscious and before you know it, you are suddenly infatuated by someone you just met. But how do you establish your type? Why are you compelled to be with one person while you are not with another?
You may not realize it but more often than not, you are attracted to a person who mirrors the complete opposite of your flaws. That longing to be complete gives rise to feelings of attraction towards a person who might bring you healing. Your conscious self may be drawn to the positive qualities you hope for, but your subconscious longs for the qualities that are reminiscent of how you were hurt in the past. The latter is a way for your psyche to seek approval and validation, to finally feel loved and wanted. The greatest heartbreaks often occur with the most intense attractions, leading some people to date only those on the lower end of the attraction spectrum to get spared from being hurt. It feels safer and more comfortable that way, but the lack of passion and excitement is the price you have to pay. On the other hand, some people go for those who are the higher end of the spectrum, the people they idolize so much. The experience is exciting on all levels, but it can get unstable and hurtful too. Too much passion and love leave you with a lot of expectations that your feelings will be returned, and when they aren’t, you end up feeling devastated.
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So how do you deal with this? Like with everything else, it requires balance. Those who find themselves in happy, healthy, long-term relationships are those who tend to date those in the middle of the attraction spectrum. It’s not whom they were immediately attracted to, because that isn’t exactly the best predictor of future relationships and feelings. In fact, being too infatuated with someone blinds you from other quality relationships you can pursue. You have to understand that attraction is something that is cultivated and grows over time, mainly because of the qualities beyond the physical you see in the other person.
You have to understand that in order to find long-lasting love, never assume that the main criterion is that you have to fall in love first. Love happens over time, true love at least. Real love usually stems from an initial feeling of inspiration and some spark of attraction towards the other person. Today goes further in their article How long does passion last, by explaining that there are 4 stages in finding true love.
Attraction blossoms when you open up to other qualities of the person that draws you to them. Make it about emotions, rather than just physical infatuations. Being intimate with someone requires a deep level of emotional connection, but this shouldn’t be confused with physical intimacy. When you are both able to hold out before satiating your bodily desires, you allow room for real connection and intimacy to develop. When you postpone sexual gratification, you create new and surprising pathways for attraction to form.
